How to Fail as a Husband / Father

Yep… just decided I needed one more “You’re The Worst” trophy on my mantel.  I’m up to four now which averages out to one a month for the year, which I think is just swell.

Now, I wouldn’t say I am cheap or stingy but I do love a good deal when I see one.  The deal that I came across was in the form of a mailer that was sent to our new home.  I know, a random piece of mail saying free definitely seems legitimate. Below is a picture of the totally non sketchy and legitimate mailers.


Well I had my worries at first, but I asked around, and people said they had received something similar and it was hassle free.  With that teeny tiny bit of encouragement I decided to go for the gusto and call the number on the back of the card and get my awesome free gift.


The calling process wasn’t too sketchy, but the people on the other end of the line seemed just as surprised and excited that someone had actually called the number.  Well I set the appointments to receive my fantastical free gifts which were a $25 free gift card to, and I was going to get a free large bottle of Tide from the other mailer, all for the cost of getting my water tested.

I told my wife about the appointments and what we would get and I swear to you, I could hear here rolling her eyes through the phone, but she graciously said I was crazy and went along with me.  Oh how I wish she would have just put me in my place right then.

So the next day comes and Sam has a little cough and Lindsay and I start talking about the appointments and she seems a little frustrated at my cheapness so we end up canceling the second appointment which would have been at 8:00PM.  The first appointment roles around as we are happily playing outside as a family and this lady roles up in an unmarked car, but she has a Home Depot apron on so I feel that there is some sort of legitimacy to this whole process.  Well I invite her in so she can test our water and Lindsay stays outside with Sam to play.

Said lady “from” Home Depot breaks out her giant chemistry set and starts setting up beakers and vials on our counter and asks that both my wife and I are present cause it is better to see and not just hear about this presentation. So I go outside and ask Lindsay and Sam to come inside, and as I write this I realize that I am earning two”You’re The Worst” trophies because I had to pick my son up kicking and screaming and end up bribing him with our phones, TV, and food.

One and a half hours later, the lady gets to the end of her sales pitch and awkwardly sits there as she waits for us to say yes to buying a $7,000 water filtration system.  Lindsay is seething at the table and my heart is in my stomach because I know I screwed up big time.  We politely say no and the lady gives me the gift card, packs up her chemistry lab, and goes on her way.  Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night apologizing for my stupidity and hating that I wasted quality family time for what turned out to be a whole lot of nothing, because when I went to redeem the gift card, it turned out to be for a cheapo website.   It turns out the gift card could only work for a handful of restaurants, most of which had horrible ratings, and it wasn’t for a total of $25 off either. I would have to redeem this gift card for gift certificates at random amounts that would only work if I spent a specific amount of money, alcohol not included, which after this night, it was pretty much needed.

So, if you need to borrow any of my “You’re The Worst” trophies just give me a ring, or you can just learn from my mistake and realize that there isn’t anything that is truly free, because quality time with family and others is worth infinitely more than any monetary gift some random mailer promises you.


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